Post by Krissa on Mar 29, 2007 14:58:44 GMT -5
I've also posted this on Furry Paws and Wajas, but I'm hoping to get critiques from several people. :-)
I have a story that I've been writing for a couple of years now, though I'm just now going back and editing it for style and what-not. However, I am looking for comments about what keeps you interested in reading a story, what keeps your attention, and what hooks you in an intro.
I've put the intro of the story here, please read it and critique it. I want to know whether it keeps your interest and what doesn't, the mood you get, questions that pop into your head, anything.
Thank you for taking the time to read and critique this, I'm hoping to eventually get this story published. So note that as with anything, do not take this as your own and do not use it without asking permission. This is fantasy, by the way.
Cafrash righted the sword to his left, holding the crinkled plans to his right. Up the steps, up to the cave opening. Most people didn’t know about the inside staircase, only the stony rocks on the outside.
“Hello, Cafrash.” A woman had leaned back mockingly against the rocky wall.
Unfortuanetly, he would rather that the ones who knew about the stairs did not. She smirked, her dark hair tied back just like she had done when… how many years had it been since she had gotten him into this? “I told you not to come back,” he growled.
“I said I would, didn’t I?” she chuckled lightly, reaching over to play with his stubble of beard that had come with days of unrest.
He smacked her arm away. “Now’s not the time.” He started back up the uneven steps.
“There never was a time, Cafrash. Not for you, anyway. You may have forgotten but I did love you.”
He snorted, looking behind him. “Loved me? Or yourself? You would not have done this…”
“Of course I would have. And I did. I suppose you could wish none of this into existence, with what you’ve got planned.”
He tightened his grip on the yellowed scroll. They both new that would be a bad idea. “Leave me alone. That is, if you want me to go through with creating the Wishing Sword.”
She grinned broader, dipping into a curtsy. “As you wish, Lord Cafrash. Of course, if you make any last minute decisions… well, let’s say I’ve never known any one that’s double-crossed a god and lived.”
“And I take it that you’re not alive?” he said flatly, advancing up the stairs slowly.
She shrugged, smirking nonchalantly. She took her faded crimson dress in hand and passed into the darkness at the base of the stairs.
He sighed. Leave it to her to show up when he least wanted her to. He traveled on to the cave’s opening. The forge in the shallow back was not lit, though the charred remains of wood blew in the occasional cool breeze. He had tested the forge already, to see that it would work for the task.
The sun’s golden light faded lower in the overhang of the cave’s edge. A shadow passed over it as the man walked without a word to the stone table in front of the Mountain Forge. He sat the wrinkled scroll down, spreading it flat and mounting stones on it to keep it from rolling up again.
He looked over the design for the sword, tracing his hand along the ashy sketch. How many separate designs had he tried that his lord had disapproved of?
“A flare at the center of the blade,” he whispered. “Then a smaller one at its tip.” He moved his hand back up the top, tapping it. “The pommel will be inlaid with the stone that the traitor… no, I won’t think about him now. He’s gone. The stone will be set there.”
Good, then it is time that you began the final steps.
Cafrash looked up at the final traces of light gone behind the horizon. “Yes, my lord,” he said solemnly, not looking away. He could not escape this, not anymore.
Finally he gathered the pieces that he had to complete for the sword, and took the heavy stone in hand. How odd. It had been dark gray, almost glossy black when he had first picked it out from the cave’s wall. Now it was tinted with a fierce crimson glow. It wasn’t an ordinary stone, but it would not be the stone that mattered when the sword was complete.
He lit the forge.
I have a story that I've been writing for a couple of years now, though I'm just now going back and editing it for style and what-not. However, I am looking for comments about what keeps you interested in reading a story, what keeps your attention, and what hooks you in an intro.
I've put the intro of the story here, please read it and critique it. I want to know whether it keeps your interest and what doesn't, the mood you get, questions that pop into your head, anything.
Thank you for taking the time to read and critique this, I'm hoping to eventually get this story published. So note that as with anything, do not take this as your own and do not use it without asking permission. This is fantasy, by the way.
Prologue
Cafrash righted the sword to his left, holding the crinkled plans to his right. Up the steps, up to the cave opening. Most people didn’t know about the inside staircase, only the stony rocks on the outside.
“Hello, Cafrash.” A woman had leaned back mockingly against the rocky wall.
Unfortuanetly, he would rather that the ones who knew about the stairs did not. She smirked, her dark hair tied back just like she had done when… how many years had it been since she had gotten him into this? “I told you not to come back,” he growled.
“I said I would, didn’t I?” she chuckled lightly, reaching over to play with his stubble of beard that had come with days of unrest.
He smacked her arm away. “Now’s not the time.” He started back up the uneven steps.
“There never was a time, Cafrash. Not for you, anyway. You may have forgotten but I did love you.”
He snorted, looking behind him. “Loved me? Or yourself? You would not have done this…”
“Of course I would have. And I did. I suppose you could wish none of this into existence, with what you’ve got planned.”
He tightened his grip on the yellowed scroll. They both new that would be a bad idea. “Leave me alone. That is, if you want me to go through with creating the Wishing Sword.”
She grinned broader, dipping into a curtsy. “As you wish, Lord Cafrash. Of course, if you make any last minute decisions… well, let’s say I’ve never known any one that’s double-crossed a god and lived.”
“And I take it that you’re not alive?” he said flatly, advancing up the stairs slowly.
She shrugged, smirking nonchalantly. She took her faded crimson dress in hand and passed into the darkness at the base of the stairs.
He sighed. Leave it to her to show up when he least wanted her to. He traveled on to the cave’s opening. The forge in the shallow back was not lit, though the charred remains of wood blew in the occasional cool breeze. He had tested the forge already, to see that it would work for the task.
The sun’s golden light faded lower in the overhang of the cave’s edge. A shadow passed over it as the man walked without a word to the stone table in front of the Mountain Forge. He sat the wrinkled scroll down, spreading it flat and mounting stones on it to keep it from rolling up again.
He looked over the design for the sword, tracing his hand along the ashy sketch. How many separate designs had he tried that his lord had disapproved of?
“A flare at the center of the blade,” he whispered. “Then a smaller one at its tip.” He moved his hand back up the top, tapping it. “The pommel will be inlaid with the stone that the traitor… no, I won’t think about him now. He’s gone. The stone will be set there.”
Good, then it is time that you began the final steps.
Cafrash looked up at the final traces of light gone behind the horizon. “Yes, my lord,” he said solemnly, not looking away. He could not escape this, not anymore.
Finally he gathered the pieces that he had to complete for the sword, and took the heavy stone in hand. How odd. It had been dark gray, almost glossy black when he had first picked it out from the cave’s wall. Now it was tinted with a fierce crimson glow. It wasn’t an ordinary stone, but it would not be the stone that mattered when the sword was complete.
He lit the forge.
-
